Cold Confession
by alijoz97
Summary: James finds Lily crying. Oneshot. J/L, Jily.


He found her crying.

He wasn't surprised, he supposed. Figured it was only a matter of time. She'd been stressed, he knew. 'Specially this week—what, with N.E. and the deaths and the constant fear that twisted itself inside of all of them, creeping and tingling down their spines even as they walked from the common room to the Great Hall at seven in the morning with the sun streaming through the windows for breakfast.

So, yeah, he wasn't surprised. Hurt, maybe. Hurt that she'd decided to sit on the cold, top step of the astronomy tower with her arms wrapped around her to keep from shivering instead of coming to him. Hurt that he had to trace the banner that read "Lily Evans" on the Map, his glasses pressed up against the parchment, to know exactly where she was.

"Odd place to study, Evans," he called out before rounding the last curve of the tower, his eyes raking over the too-thin girl sitting in front of him. He wished he had brought a pastry or something. She looked too pale. Too sick.

She peered up at him, books and parchment covering her lap. "Not as odd as your face, Potter," she managed to quip as she swiped her hand over her cheeks. As if he hadn't already seen the tears.

He sat down a couple of steps beneath her.

"Peter said he heard you crying," he offered after a beat, staring down at his wand as he turned it over in his fingers. "He was heading to the kitchens, saw you, and followed. Animagus, mind you," he added hurriedly as her eyebrows pulled down. "Nobody'd be able to see him. He can be sneaky when he wants, Pete."

That got a laugh out of her. His heart beat faster.

"So why didn't Peter come to my rescue?" she tried, her voice soft as it echoed, bouncing off the stone walls. "Girl in the tower scenario, you know. Need a prince."

"He wanted to," James said slowly. "But I told him I'd curse him to France if he did—I mean, I'm—your—"

"James—"

"I'm your boyfriend, Evans," he whispered, turning to her. "I'm your boyfriend. I shouldn't have to hear that you're crying or upset or—or even _happy_ from any other bloke. You should tell me. I want you to tell me. Unless—unless you don't want to tell me. Unless you don't want me to know."

She didn't say anything. Of course she didn't—she was Lily Evans for Merlin's sake. She'd say something when she felt like it. So, instead, she just looked at him, those bloody tears dripping and sliding down her face, clouding up those green eyes that he bloody—

"I love you, Evans," he blurted, looking up at her. "Please tell me what's wrong."

She stared at him, tears as loud as Remus's snoring after a full moon, before begrudgingly shifting her notes off her lap and moving her body to the same step that James was sitting on. She pressed in close to him, her head resting on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her.

"I was going to," she whispered. "But I didn't know how to say it."

"So say it now," he told her, nudging her with his head. "Lily."

"They're dead."

Two words. Fairly common. His heart sank, hurtling towards his shoes.

"Who?" he whispered. Faces flashed across his eyelids—when was the last time he spoke to his own parents? He'd know, wouldn't he? If his parents were gone? He would've felt it—felt their absence like a rip through his being—

"Marlene's parents," she whimpered, the sound rippling down her body. "They're gone. S-she told us after dinner a-and the only th-thing I could think after she t-told us was-s— _at least it's not me.'"_

Her words hung in the stale air of the tower, dripping like the tears that traveled down her face.

 _At least it's not me_.

"Lils,' he murmured, pressing a quick kiss against her temple. "Lils, you can't blame yourself for thinking like that."

How could he? When the very same phrase struck against him, knowing it wasn't _his_ parents that were gone. Knowing that he could hold onto the idea that his family was whole for just a little longer.

She didn't say anything—how could she? She just shrugged her shoulders limply, "I'm a bad friend," she said at last.

"Hardly," he frowned, his fingers tracing against her back. "Don't think like that."

"How can I not?"

 _At least it's not me.  
_

She looked down at her hands, shaking and trembling against the moonlight slicing through the thin window above them. "I'm sorry for not coming to you," she said finally, looking up at him. "I know you probably weren't pleased to have to hear from Pete where I was."

James sighed, relaxing against the steps and bringing Lily against his chest, closer to him. "I worry about you," he admitted. "You push yourself so hard; I just want you to—to be _okay."_

"James—"

"As okay as you possibly can be," he amended. "I'm not expecting you to be doing ruddy backflips down the hall, but…"

"But?"

"I like when you smile," he admitted, hiding his face in the crook of her shoulder. Her skin was soft against his cheek. "I miss it when you smile."

She offered him a forced grin. "Didn't know you were such a romantic, Potter."

"There it is," he said, pressing his fingers against the corners of her face. "I should jinx it on you permanently. Sirius could probably come up with a spell—he's not bad, actually—"

Lily swatted his hand away. "You'll do no such thing."

"You're right," he said. "I'll do this instead."

And he leaned over and kissed her.

It was quick, sweet, and brief, feeling wet and cold and warm somehow at the same time. He smiled against her lips.

"I love you," he said. "And we'll get through this. _Marlene_ will get through this. With our help."

She nodded, believing him. James was surprised. She always seemed to believe him, as if he did this every day.

But he didn't.

James squeezed her cold fingers in his. He felt sick, to be honest. Thinking about talking to Marlene. Imagining if he were in her shoes. Wondering what his reaction would be after the numbness wore off. Nothing good, he knew. Marlene was better than James, but not by much.

He shook it off-for now.

Instead, he kissed Lily's temple and allowed himself five seconds-five, simple seconds-to lose himself to her completely before turning his thoughts back to what was next.

To the war. To their lives outside of Hogwarts.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

 _One._


End file.
